111 How She Makes Friends

Katherine Wintsch was not excited about going to dinner with her husband’s tennis partner, Kat.

“I couldn’t play tennis. My husband and his partner Kat were a great team, but I’d never met her. He said, “Let’s do a double date with Kat and her husband.” 

I was really dreading it. I worried we wouldn’t have anything in common and it would be awkward. I didn’t want to be jealous of somebody that I didn’t even know. Fast forward. Many years later, we became very, very good friends. She’s an absolute riot we had so much in common. We hit it off immediately and became fast friends.

Several years later, she told me that on the way to dinner that night, she was so intimidated because I was working outside of the home and she was a stay at home mom, and she thought we would have nothing in common.

It turns out, we both love tequila, we love music, and we had so many things in common. All that worrying about what she would think about me was pointless, because within 10 minutes of meeting each other, we fell in love.”

Katherine Wintsch, is one of the last women I would expect to be intimidated by another woman. She gave a TED Talk, for heaven’s sake. She’s the CEO of her own company, The Mom Complex and she wrote a fantastic book about slaying our dragons of self doubt, called Slay Like a Mother. But it happens to so many of us.

“I know from my research that nine out of 10 women struggle with self doubt. If you can have women in your life that are comfortable talking about their challenges, talking about their self doubt, talking about their struggles, it can be a huge relief. The greatest thing that comes from female companionship is knowing that we’re not alone in the struggles that we’ve faced.”

Today’s episode, How She Makes Friends, is the first of three episodes about friendship. We’ll cover 12 tips for getting out of our comfort zones and meeting new people. The next two episodes will be about how to gather friends, with lots of ideas for starting groups and throwing parties, and then another episode about how to cultivate friendships and develop deep connections.

These three episodes are part of a larger series about building community and supporting other women. It started with Episode 93: How She Dismantles the Mommy Wars, then Episode 94: How She Supports Other Moms; and Episode 97: How Devan and Alexis Support Each Other (And Other Moms)

The reason I’m devoting so much time to this topic is that in every survey I’ve done to find out what other moms struggle with, friendship is always in the top five. We struggle to put ourselves out there and make friends, to make time to cultivate friendships, and to establish deep connections. Often, we assume that everyone else has all the friends they need and we’re the only ones feeling lonely. But the sheer number of people who feel that way proves that it’s not true. We need each other. We need connection. And we need help!

One of the biggest obstacles to friendship as a mom in any stage is just making time for it. So as I was researching for this episode, I wanted to know if anyone had actually studied about how much time it actually takes to make friends. The answer is “of course they have,” because there are studies about pretty much everything. I came across a great article in the Journal of Social and Personal Relations called, appropriately, “How Many Hours Does It Take to Make a Friend?” by Jeffrey A. Hall.

One interesting thing about this article is that it suggests that three main things contribute to making friends: hours together, shared activities, and conversation. Which feels pretty accurate to me, especially when I looked at the 12 tips I had already used to organize this episode. I realized that not only did they each fit into these three categories, but I had already organized them in that order. So let’s start by talking about time. The first tip is to make friendship a priority.

1. Make Friendship a Priority

“Time is the key. It takes so much time to feel a connection. It’s impossible to do unless you set up something intentionally.”

That was Jennica Woodbury, who is an expert at prioritizing friendship. You’ll hear more from her in this episode, but even more in the next episode, because her true expertise is in gathering people and organizing social groups.

So, how much time are we talking? Back to that journal article, “How Many Hours Does It Take to Make a Friend.” The article refers to several different studies. One suggests that it takes 60 hours. Another suggests that you can become casual friends after 6-8 hours of casual interaction.

Of course all of this depends on your definition of friend. I’m very liberal about who I call a friend. Like everyone I’ve ever interviewed for this podcast, people I go to church with, etc. Plus, I still have a pantry door completely covered with Christmas cards from people I love and consider my friends.

Have I spent 60 hours with all of these people? No. But I’ve spent much more than that with several of them. So there are obviously different levels of friends. And time together doesn’t always equal friendship if you just don’t click. Hill’s article describes four levels of friendship, from acquaintances to casual friends to friends and then to good friends. I would probably add one more best friend level with a handful or even one person in it.

Regardless of exactly how much time it takes, to make friends at each level, we obviously have to prioritize and make time for friendship if we want it. And if you don’t make it a priority, you’re going to have to make time for loneliness anyway—all that moping and pining–so you might as well dedicate that time for friendship instead!

The problem is that motherhood, running a household, and other work also require a lot of time. But that’s why it’s called prioritizing. You have to figure out what’s important and make time for it. Here’s Christina Acosta, founder of a community of women called Growing Up Gorgeous.

“The biggest barrier that I see for vulnerability and connection in moms is we are so busy. Friendships end up on a list we will get to eventually. 

I always say sisterhood is self care, but when we hear that phrase it carries associated guilt. Acknowledge that it’s really important to keep sisterhood as a priority, then chase after it without allowing yourself to get defeated. If you say, you’re going to show up for this weekly playgroup, keep going! Your relationships are important enough to put as a top priority, even with things like lunches that need to be prepared and homework and all the things that need to be done. Your wellness is tied to having a supportive community that can love on you and that you can support. As moms, we have to give ourselves permission to go ahead and focus on that and be part of our self care plan. I know that I’m worth investing in my relationships. And I’m worth putting this as a priority and pushing past the uncomfortableness and the awkwardness.”

That is so true. Friendship is a huge component of self-care.

And if you decide friendship is a priority, you can be creative about how to make time for it. Especially when you’re a mom, this requires deliberate action. 

Elise Caffee is very good at prioritizing friendship, in fact, she runs an Instagram account all about friendship, @thefriendshipexperiment. You know how much I love experiments. She says,

“You need to take an active role in friendship. If you are a mom that is sitting home, and you feel like you don’t have the friends that you want, you’re responsible to do something about it. When you feel empowered to do something about it, you can develop social skills or put yourself in situations to make friends. 

When we sit and wallow in the fact that we’re not finding the kind of friends who go on girls’ trips or do other fun things, like we see all over social media, that doesn’t help us. It just makes us feel bad about ourselves. It also means we’re not taking any action ourselves. If you get that feeling when you’re scrolling through Instagram, it’s a good reminder to take some sort of small action.”

I know, I know, that can be easier said than done. But you’ve taken one active step, because you are listening to a podcast about friendship right now. Not every tip in this episode will work for you, but hopefully you’ll find at least one way to take action on after listening. 

One of my favorite ways to make time for friends is to include them in things I’m doing anyway, like working, exercising, or taking kids on outings. In the next episode we’ll talk more in depth about specific ideas for activities you can do with friends that can fit into a full schedule. 

2. Figure Out What You Need

So prioritizing friendship is all well and good. But it’s not like people are throwing themselves at you to try and be your best friend. Unless Taylor Swift or Kristin Bell is listening, in which case people probably are. 

Don’t worry, we’ll talk about how to find friends. But first, we’re going to talk about general categories of friends to look for.

The second tip for today is to evaluate your friendship needs. I know it feels a little crass to look at friendship as a way to fulfill our needs, because it obviously has to go both ways. You don’t want to cross the line into using or manipulating people, but loneliness is real, and we really do need other people in our lives. 

Sometimes we’re looking for that one swiss army knife of friends who can fulfill all our friendship needs. And some of us have found that one best friend who really does fill multiple roles. 

But I prefer to think of friendship more like a bouquet, where different friends fill different needs. Some are pops of color that just dazzle you, others provide texture and greenery and others compliment the rest of the bouquet. 

I asked Elise Caffee about the roles of different friends:

“You have different friendship needs at different times in life. You may have a group of people who have known you forever who you can bear your soul to. Even if you don’t keep up day to day interaction, when you talk to them, you’ll talk to them for two hours. Because you’ve built up such a history, you can kind of go on and off like that. When you are together, you connect like it was yesterday that you last saw them. 

I love those friends that are fun. I have this group of friends we call the adventure group. For each other’s birthdays, we go do really fun things that I would never do on my own. I need those friends because they push me outside my comfort zone. They make me try new things. They’re really entertaining and fun. 

There are also friends you don’t touch base with every day, who really step up when you need someone. If your family is going through a hard time or you’re going through a hard time, those friends just jump in when they see a need. Sometimes those people aren’t really that close to you. But they are just kind of the helper friends, the service oriented friends.”

I’ll add some more categories here. We often think about finding friends who have similar talents, personalities and interests, but often you need a complementary friend, not the complimentary with an I, although that’s nice too, but complementary with an e—a friend who fills in your gaps and is strong where you’re weak. One type of friend that comes to mind for me is that I have somehow always had at least one friend who is good at clothes shopping, and who enjoys it, since that’s not a skill I have. Maybe if you’re an introvert, an extroverted friend could really come in handy, and vice versa.

It’s not like we’re putting out personal ads for specific types of friends: “girl with 10-year-old wardrobe seeks stylish shopaholic” but when we meet people, or think about our friends in the acquaintance category, we can recognize, “Wow, she is really fun. I need more of that in my life.” Or, “Hmm. She is very stylish. Maybe she wouldn’t mind helping me update my wardrobe.” Or “I really need a workout buddy. I’m going to send a group text and see if anyone wants to go running once a week.” 

Christina had a great word for another type of friend that I wouldn’t have thought of:

“Sandpaper souls. There are certain personalities that are like sandpaper when they’re put together; they just don’t get along. 

There are certain friends that I have that are really good for helping me when I’m at a 10. But sometimes it’s those people who can help us have hard conversations.”  

I love this acknowledgement that you can still consider someone your friend even if you need to interact in small doses. 

And then there are those friends who you know will be completely honest with you, from food between your teeth to flagging a poor decision or telling you it’s time to retire those jeans.

I’ve definitely had different friendship needs in different times of my life. Friendship changes when we become moms, and then it keeps changing throughout different stages of motherhood. For example, when I had young kids and mostly interacted with babies and toddlers, I desperately needed friends that I could talk to about ideas and have adult conversations. A friend and I started a book club and that was exactly what I needed. Now that my kids are all in school and I get to interview so many fascinating people for this podcast, I get to talk about ideas all day long. I still need friends, they just don’t have to be down for philosophical conversations all the time. 

Christina Acosta also noticed that her friendships changed when she became a mother.

“It was something about that isolation of being in the house, breastfeeding my first child. I wasn’t able to go out and about and do my thing. The loneliness of motherhood is real. I could feel it in my heart that I needed company and friendship.

A lot of my friends who didn’t have babies yet were so supportive, but they didn’t necessarily understand that motherhood comes with its own weight and its own responsibilities. I needed some moms who understood that and could walk alongside me. 

I always think about the story of the first time my oldest daughter got sick. I really needed to have somebody to call to ease my fears about her fever. Thankfully, I have sisters who have served that spot for me. But I recognized early on that not everybody has really supportive friends who will come and visit.There’s something about community and a village that really makes a difference.”

As your kids start to go to school, the specific loneliness of early motherhood may subside, but the next stage can be lonely for different reasons. Here’s Elise Caffee, who has three girls in elementary school.

“In this stage of motherhood, you are running your kids all over the place.You may have a job that you need to be doing all day long. Or as a stay at home mom, you’re just trying to fulfill so many responsibilities that the busyness of that life doesn’t allow you the bandwidth to navigate friendship well. Friendship is different at that stage. You have to really look for opportunities to hang out with friends. Otherwise it can be really busy but also kind of lonely.” 

As kids grow, they become more self-sufficient in their own social lives, and we no longer have the excuse of playdates or park time to meet other moms through them. To talk about this stage, here’s Mary Van Geffen, a parenting coach, whom you may remember from episode 101, How Mary Parents Spicy Ones, and whom you can find on Instagram @maryvangeffen.  

“Suddenly in middle school, you’re just dropping your kid off and you haven’t met a single soul. When they do have “hangs,” (they don’t call them playdates anymore), people are just dropping their kid off at your house and they don’t even want to meet you. It’s a jarring transition, for sure. Finding friends is less about the schooling, and more about your interests. Do you want to take up tennis and meet a few people in your tennis class? It is like dating. We have to figure out what we want. We have to give feedback, such as, I enjoying spending time with you. I’d love to spend more time with you. Do you want to get some coffee sometime? It’s a risk worth taking.”

It’s so helpful to have friends in your same stage to walk beside you, swap stories, commiserate, and share ideas. But it’s also really helpful to have friends who walk ahead of you and behind:

“You want to have mom friends who have kids that are the same age, but it’s nice to have mom friends who have kids that are older so they can tell you you’re gonna get through this. It’s also nice to  have mom friends that are younger than you so you can be a mentor to them. It’s good to learn from everybody at different stages.”

That was one of my personal friends, Diana Visser. She’s an elementary teacher and mom of two. I love this advice to diversify and include friends of all ages and stages in your bouquet.

3. Notice Gestures of Friendship

So now that you’ve kind of assessed what kind of friends you’re looking for, where do you go about finding these friends? The third tip is short but sweet. Elise had a great insight:

“Sometimes you discount the people that are reaching out and doing nice things for you.  You’re looking to make friends with people in a specific group, but I think it’s good to assess who is trying to make time for you. Who is already being a good friend? Sometimes there are people we don’t recognize. That may be worth putting more time into.”

 So before you go out trying to find new friends, look around and notice who already wants to be friends with you. Give them a chance!

4. Meet People Where You Already Are

The fourth tip is to meet people in places you already go on a regular basis. Maybe that’s church, or your kids’ school. Maybe it’s work, or the gym, or the park in your neighborhood. 

It may seem like a somewhat passive way to meet friends, but I’ve made some of my best friends by just looking around me and getting to know people that I already see anyway, at preschool or kindergarten drop-off, soccer sidelines, the climbing gym, or the park. And be careful about your first impressions. I can’t tell you how many times I have become friends with people I was hesitant about at first. Some of them have become my closest friends. 

Part of the reason this tip works is the whole time thing. If you meet people in places that are part of your mutual routines, you’re guaranteed to spend time with them at least somewhat regularly, and that adds up. Here’s Elise. 

“Based on the research that I’ve done, people often become friends because of proximity. People are generally lazy. When you think about growing up in school, the friends that you’re friends with are the kids in your class. If someone wasn’t in your class, you were devastated. Just by not being in their class, you might not be as good of friends.

That same kind of thing happens as adults. It’s your friends who have kids in the same stages of life that you’re drawn towards. If your kids are all on a soccer team, and you make friends on that soccer team, when you’re no longer on that soccer team, the friends disappear. It’s just interesting to see. 

You often will have situational friends related to proximity, but you also maybe have certain groups that you’re part of, maybe like a church group or at the gym or work. People also make friends at bars. It just depends on where you tend to spend the most time. That goes back to proximity. You can tie most things to proximity in terms of friendship.”

Jennica Woodbury has a really sweet example of this, getting to know her neighbor Cheryl, someone she probably would not have met if not for the proximity of their houses. Jennica has since moved, but they still keep in touch, and Jennica recently visited her.

“She was this friendship I never would have expected. She was going through this terribly ugly divorce. But by random chance, I had a next door neighbor that said, “Hey, we don’t have a trampoline. You guys don’t have a trampoline. But if you want to jump on a trampoline, Cheryl lives three doors down. She has a tramp, and no kids to use it. And she loves to have people come and use her trampoline.”

 So I knocked on her door and said, “We just moved here. Can my kids jump on your trampoline?” She said, “Yes, as long as you stay.” That was great with me. So I had a chance to meet her there. She got down on my kids’ eye level to talk to them. She asked about my children and she was very warm. From there, we have this neat friendship. Of all the friends that I made in that neighborhood, I always go see Cheryl.”

I love both sides of that story: Cheryl for opening her trampoline to her neighbors and Jennica for taking her up on it. Both sides can be vulnerable. 

5. Hang Out Where Other Moms Hang Out

If you don’t feel like you have friendship opportunities in your normal routine, maybe it’s time to make some of those opportunities happen, by just hanging out where other moms are hanging out. When Christina Acosta became a mom, she realized that:

“Hanging out looks really different. You may have done brunch and that sort of thing before you were a mother, enjoying having your own free time. All of a sudden you find yourself at the park and at playdates and Chucky Cheese. The actual opportunities for you to really make real connections can kind of slim down. Moms groups are really specific places.”

So where should you go to meet these other moms? When your kids are younger, maybe it’s the park or library story time. Maybe it’s church or community play groups. Most communities have mommy and me classes or MOPS groups, which stands for mothers of preschoolers.

This was a good solution for Julie Vick, a self-described introvert who sometimes finds it hard to reach out to other moms. 

“When my kids were little, and I was trying to navigate a lot of the new parenthood stuff, I did make an effort to join some local mom or parenting groups, where I could meet other people that were in the same situation. I did have to push myself a little bit. 

When my first son was born, I started going to a breastfeeding group. It was helpful, in that it got me out of the house and with other people in the same scenario. I remember it being really hard to get out sometimes. But I wanted to be with other parents in similar situations.”

Julie literally wrote a guidebook for other introverted moms called, Babies Don’t Make Small Talk (So Why Should I?). I enjoyed it even though I’m not particularly introverted.

And there’s always the PTO or PTA. Both Jennica and Elise were hesitant about joining the PTA, but ended up enjoying it and making great friends there. Here’s Jennica:

“Every school is gonna have some kind of parent organization.That has been a very meaningful way for me to find really great friends. I originally thought PTA was really fluffy and pointless. I felt like it was not going to be my thing. But I showed up to one meeting and I know I could help with this one thing. It grew to be so fulfilling. I did what I wanted to do and didn’t feel like I had to do all the stuff that I thought wasn’t the best use of time. They need your support. It’s a great way to make friends. 

Then, as our kids get older, we can actually plan our social lives around our own interests, instead of our kids’ interests. Like taking an actual adult class through your community—learn to paint or birdwatch, or you could join a hiking or biking group. Rekindling your own interests and talents in a group setting is a great way to meet friends.”

And if it’s tricky for you to join an in person group, for whatever reason, there are many options for online groups these days. Julie Vick has had great success making friends through online writing groups.

If you can’t find a group you want to join or that fits your schedule, maybe it’s time to start your own. Here’s Christina again.

“I vividly remember visiting multiple mom’s groups and the conversations that were happening were not my concerns at the time. I felt distance immediately when one I walked into a room and no one looked like me. On top of that, the conversations were really focused on things that just were not an issue for me at the time. I realized really quickly that there needed to be a space where I could talk about school choice and urban neighborhoods, or maternal mortality as a black woman, or concerns and my terror about police brutality. The list goes on and on and on. I wanted there to be a place where the conversations about motherhood could include my issues. I heard from a lot of the people around me that they needed the same thing.” 

By the time her second daughter was born, she decided to do something about it. She started a group called Growing Up Gorgeous, which started at her own house and has now grown to an online community across the U.S.

The next episode will go into greater detail about Growing Up Gorgeous, plus several other ideas for types of groups you can start yourself.

6. Embrace Vulnerability and Get Out There

Now you’ve identified a few places to find friends, and maybe a few people you want to become friends with, it’s time to embrace that vulnerability and go for it. You might need to pump yourself up for this.

Make yourself do some things. You don’t have everything, but pick a few things that are important to you. It might be just reaching out to a parent and asking if they want to meet up for a smaller playdate or something like that. Push yourself when you need to, but be aware of what’s going to be too much for you as well.

And it’s not just introverts that have to talk themselves in going places sometimes Jennica Woodbury is on the other side of the spectrum.

“Sometimes I don’t want to go. I don’t really love Bunco. I’ve been to big group dinners where it’s somebody’s birthday, and they invite maybe 20 moms, and then you just end up sitting by two people. That’s not really for me either, but sometimes you don’t know until you try. So you have to try. It’s like a workout for your soul. If somebody’s invited you to something, show up, even though it’s hard. There’s a lot of growth. I am often surprised. 

Even though I’m an extrovert, I have to drag myself out of the house sometimes. I just don’t feel like it. I’d say 80% of the time, I am so glad I went and then 20% of the time just helps me understand where I want to be and who I want to be with. Anytime I get an invite from that group I didn’t resonate with, I don’t have to overthink it. I just say no thank you.”

7. Make Positive Assumptions

Tip number seven is to assume people will like you and that they want to make friends.

So now you’ve put yourself in proximity with other moms, let’s talk about how to actually initiate a friendship. Or at least a conversation. The first tip here is just to have confidence and assume that people are going to like you. 

I remember the first time I learned this concept, from my mom. I was in 7th grade, at a new middle school, and as you can imagine, struggling to make friends. She told me that when she walks into a room she just assumes everyone will like her. I realized that I had been assuming the opposite–that people would think I was weird or dorky. Turns out this insecurity is very common, even when you’ve passed that middle school stage. Here’s Christina:

“One big barrier is going into a space and feeling immediately like I don’t fit in. I assume they don’t like me. Those kinds of thoughts that may not be backed up yet, but we will say to ourselves, “I don’t belong here,or I don’t fit in.” It’s really important to squash that voice in the back of our heads that speaks lies like, “You aren’t welcome here, or you’re different.” 

Another assumption we make is that everyone else has all the friends they need.

We look at social media and see what our friends are doing with other people and compare. She’s making time for this person, she’s making time for that person, she doesn’t necessarily have time for me. It’s dangerous looking at someone’s relationship on social media. We feel jealousy because it seems like their relationships with other people are so much better than our own.”

I have totally done this. When we started a new elementary school, they held a Kindergarten “boo hoo yahoo.” I walked in there and watched old friends greet each other, all excited to catch up, and I wondered why the heck I had even come. I had two other little kids with me, and felt totally lost. I think I got the kids juice and sat down for a minute, but we didn’t stay long. I felt totally out of place and quite jealous of those other moms. But it was kindergarten. That means a lot of moms were also new to the school. Had I been looking for those people, instead of being jealous of the ones who were reuniting, it would have been mutually beneficial.

But as Elise Caffee says, the truth is, 

“Most people assume other people already have all the friends they need. It’s a mind game. There’s a handful of people that feel like they already have enough friends. That is such a limiting belief. There are so many cool and amazing people to meet. Why would you want to limit yourself that way? You’ll run into some of those people. But most of the women that I’ve surveyed, and what the research I’ve done has shown, is that most people want to make more friends and are open to it.”

What it comes down to is that we shouldn’t make generalizations. 

8. Be Open For Business

The eighth tip is both simple and hard. It’s, make sure you look like you’re open to meeting people. I’m not saying that you have to have to look as eager as Labrador retriever when you’re at a party, but Elise Caffee says,

“Your facial expressions make a big difference, but I noticed I don’t tend towards smiling. I just look serious all the time. When you’re not smiling, people make assumptions about you. So learning to smile and learning to look interested are welcoming to people. Those are skills you can actually work on. Smile when somebody comes to the room. Say hi to people instead of putting your eyes down. Some of those things can make a big difference. 

One article I was reading yesterday was talking a lot about smiling and positivity. People really want to be friends with people who are positive and happy. That doesn’t mean you don’t have anything wrong with you, ever. But people gravitate towards people who are happy and positive. So if they’re going to choose to go talk to one person or a different person, they’re going to be drawn more towards the person that seems happy. 

Generally, people are drawn to people who are happy and excited to see them. Nowadays, when everyone has a phone, one of the things we tend to do when we’re in a social situation and we’re not sure what to do is look down on our phones and start scrolling. 

My mom is the most friendly person you could meet. She makes friends and grocery store lines at doctors offices. She still does because she’s not there sitting on her phone. When you’re trying to be open and receptive to friends, if you’re on your phone that automatically tells someone that you’re busy. That may not be the impression you want to give, but if you’re on your phone you’re sending a message that you don’t need anybody.” 

9. Stand in Horseshoes

I love the next bit of advice that I learned from Glennon Doyle in her book Untamed. She writes,

“If you are standing with other women in a circle and there is a woman standing alone in your circle’s vicinity – the thing to do is notice her, smile at her, move over a bit and say “Hi, come join us!”

Even if she decides not to join your circle – even if she looks at you like you’re crazy, inviting her is still the thing to do. Widen your circles. All the time. Horseshoes are better than circles. Leave space. Always leave space.” 

I’ve really tried to remember this horseshoe principle ever since I read it. Elise referenced this technique our conversation as well:

“A lot of times when you’re talking with your friends, even if you are open to making friends, you stand in a circle, and you act like you’re talking to each other. People who don’t have as many friends see that. They assume there’s no space for them in that group. I’ve been in that situation before. It’s really scary to walk over to a closed group. What do you do, stand on the outside? It’s just awkward. If we were to make space, then people who don’t know us can come over. They can just listen. Someone in the group can notice and include them. Sometimes even when we want to make new friends, we don’t necessarily show that.”

This is basically the other side of that Kindergarten example. Because now, when I go to school events, I’m one of the people greeting old friends, and standing in the circle. It would be easiest to just talk to all the people I know. But how much better it is to remember what it felt like to be on the outside of the circle and be the one to welcome the parent who looks a little lost and out of her element.

I have a friend named Reba Martin who is so good at this. If you happen to be passing by when she’s in a conversation, she’ll just stick her arm out and draw you in, while continuing to either talk or listen, and then she’ll introduce you around. She’s one of those people who makes everyone feel like her best friend.

10. Start a Conversation

Ok, now you’re in that circle, or you’ve decided to approach that mom pushing her kid on the swing—what now? It’s not a bad idea to brush up on some conversation skills, maybe have a few conversation starters in your back pocket. In her book, Slay Like a Mother, Katherine Wintsch suggests that one of the best ways to connect with other moms is to drop the comparison game and have honest conversations. She suggests asking questions like, “Is your life as a working mom as chaotic as mine?” or “What’s the hardest part of motherhood for you?” or “What’s one thing you’re doing to make your life easier lately?” 

A while ago, I tried to stop asking about what other women do for work, and started asking what they like to do. An easy way to do this is with some humor—like: “So, what do you like to do when you’re not watching dance practice?”

We can all benefit from just brushing up on our conversation skills.

There are conversation starters you can learn, or open-ended questions you can ask people. Being a good listener is a really good skill to develop. A lot of people, when they’re in groups, are thinking of what they’re going to say next instead of listening to who’s talking. If you can really work on slowing down, and listening rather than trying to come up with a response, that’s one of the ways we connect. If you do it the wrong way it can feel like you’re just one upping each other. You’ve probably had those situations before where there are “connecting stories” and “one upping stories.” Be aware of what things you’re doing in a situation.

And if you need some more help, bring a prop. This is one of the hacks I got from Julie Vick.

I have this t-shirt that’s a reference to the show Parks and Rec. Those who know the show quickly identify Little Sebastian, and we have made an easy connection. I have another shirt that has the Norway flag on it. My grandpa was Norwegian I’ve had conversations with people about that. 

Another of Julie’s favorite conversation starters is carrying a book. When she lived in New York, she used to always bring a book with her on the Subway, which started many great conversations. 

Books are definitely one of my go-to props for parks or soccer games. Sometimes I actually get a minute to read them, but more often than not, I just end up chatting with people. It’s a great entry point for anyone who wants to strike up a conversation with me.  It’s a great segue into finding out what kind of books they like.

One of my favorite props when I was in college was my tennis racket. I did not know this magic until I signed up for a tennis class. But when I started carrying around a tennis racket, suddenly there was something to talk about, especially for guys on campus. In fact, it worked so well, that apparently, it’s how I met my husband. He claims that our first conversation in the biology class we had together was about the tennis racket I was carrying. I have no recollection of that conversation, but I believe him. A few years later I was trying to teach my sister this trick, as we were walking across campus. She had her racket in a bag, and I said, “No, if you want to meet interesting guys, you have to carry it, like this.” I put it over my shoulder, and right at that moment, a guy rode by on a bike and said, “Hey, you play tennis?” Game, Set, Match. 

And of course if there are kids around you can use them as conversation starters. Which one is yours? How old is yours? Or even better, “that was a pro parenting move over there. You’ll have to teach me your ways.”

11. Get there early

Our 11th tip is another quick tip from Julie Vick, and it might not be what you expect: It’s easier to be early. 

“Then people can approach you. When you’re late, there’s already a group of people formed. My instinct is to get there late, but I learned this trick from a book called, I’m sorry, I’m late. I didn’t want to come, by Jessica Pan.” 

12. Develop Parasocial Relationships

Maybe this last tip doesn’t really fit, because the ideal is to have social, in-person relationships. But there have been times, especially right after having babies, and when the toddler nap time is so all-consuming, that I relied heavily on parasocial relationships. Parasocial relationships are one-sided relationships with people that you don’t know personally and that have no idea who you are. Sounds kind of depressing, but not necessarily.

Podcasts were my social and intellectual lifeline when I was a young mom, fulfilling at least in part that need for adult conversation. They really did help me feel less lonely when my husband was so busy during his surgical residency. Sometimes it’s a podcast that teaches you something or introduces interesting ideas or just entertains you—some of my go-to’s are Heavyweight, Revisionist History or Heavyweight. But sometimes you might want a more conversational one, where two or more people are just chatting. My go-to podcast for this is Family Looking Up, because they chat for a bit and then bring on great guests.

My parasocial relationships are pretty much exclusively other podcasters. And happily, some of these have become in-person friends as well, including the hosts of Family Looking Up.  And I hope at least a few of you that I haven’t met consider me a friend. (If that’s the case, I also hope we can meet for real sometime!)

 So, let’s be friends. And let’s keep this conversation about friendship going on Instagram, and over the next two episodes. If you have anything to share about cultivating friendship or how you spend time with friends, let me know! There’s still time to add to those episodes!

Until next time, go out and make some friends.