How Whitney Experiments, Fall 2002

How is my fall going? Let me illustrate with a story that happened right as I was writing this episode. My oldest son, Jonas, texted me to ask if I could pick up my son, Miles, at school, since Jonas had to drive straight to work. I texted Miles that I was on my way. When I got there I didn’t see him, so I tried to call. He didn’t pick up. I waited for a minute in our regular spot, then I figured that his phone had died and that he had either gotten a ride or started walking the three miles home.

So I went to the elementary school to pick up the rest of my kids. Miles called. I figured he had gotten home, plugged in his phone and was calling to explain what happened. Nope.

He said, “Why didn’t you wake me up?” He had been asleep the whole day, in his room, without waking up once. Not even to go to the bathroom. Correction. He woke up once, when I woke him up at 5:50 and I asked him are you sure you’re awake? He said yes. I believed him, because he’s really good at waking up and getting ready for school on his own. So I went back to bed. Apparently so did he. He has no recollection of our conversation.

I assumed he went to school with Jonas like usual; Jonas assumed that Miles had gotten a ride with my husband so he wouldn’t be late. All of those assumptions were wrong. Miles slept for 17 hours! And I’m so glad he did. His body obviously needed that rest!

Regardless, there’s still the fact that I had no idea where my child was for an entire day! Clearly, all the balls that we’ve been trying to keep in the air all season are dropping like leaves.

Oh fall, a time of pumpkins; beautiful leaves; hats, sweaters and boots; and driving. Lots and lots of driving kids around. I don’t know about you, but the majority of my kids’ chosen sports fall in the fall, and our schedule is as crammed and crazy as my middle schooler’s locker. But I have to say, I’ve been less stressed and enjoyed fall more than ever this year, thanks to some of the experiments we’ve been trying, even though my kids are involved in more activities than ever.

Today I’ll talk about some of those activities, plus other experiments we’ve been running, including a big push to improve hygiene and sleep habits. I’ll also talk a bit about our holiday experiments, and then update you on some plans for How She Moms and other related projects.

Before I update you about the specific kids activities we’ve been experimenting with, I want to talk more generally about the things that have been making this season work. First of all, dinner.

I’m not perfect at this, but whenever I can, I have dinner ready by 4, right when the kids get home and before most of the activities start. It also happens to be the time they’re the hungriest, after a day at school. My husband isn’t home by then, but he’s unpredictable anyway, so he just heats up dinner when he gets home, and the kids usually eat a hearty snack while he eats his dinner. When we eat early, there’s like a 10% chance that the kids will actually do their dinner cleanup chores. It’s gotten pretty bad. But if we eat late, that 10% chance becomes it becomes a 0% chance. We’ve also been leaning heavily on leftovers, at least twice a week.

Once the run-around starts for the night, my favorite strategy for enjoying it instead of dreading it is to pick a buddy to come with me. We turn one kid’s activity into special time with another. So during my son’s soccer practice, I always brought my daughter, and we’d go roller skating on the path behind his soccer field. We had so much fun. While another son has a violin lesson, my youngest and I go to the library and pick books and read together. While some kids go to climbing practice, I climb with the others. It’s been really fun getting to sneak in some one-on-one time with so many of my kids. I even find myself a little sad that my oldest drives himself everywhere, because we don’t get that time together. Only a little sad though. It’s nice to have one less schedule to worry about.

I mentioned how poorly kitchen chores are going, and that extends to all chores. This is a tough one in the fall. My kids are so busy that they don’t have much time to do chores. I’m so busy I don’t have time to supervise them. I learned that instead of being frustrated that they aren’t doing chores in the fall, I have to lighten their loads and lower my expectations for a season. So they still take care of themselves, albeit to lower standards than usual. They clean their own rooms and bathrooms and do their own laundry, with age-appropriate degrees of help from me. The three boys that share a bathroom trade weeks. They still have a kitchen chore. But they didn’t have to do any of the jobs in the take care of the family category.

However, now that many of the fall activities are done, most notably the play, it’s back to reality, and they’ll have family jobs too.

This time around, I’m giving each kid the option of being in charge of dinner one night a week or being in charge of keeping one room of the house clean and tidy. 1 chose to be in charge of the main room in the basement, the other four chose dinner. I’ll let you know how it works out. I don’t really expect it to lighten my load much for at least two out of the four chefs, but it will get them closer to the day that they’ll actually be helpful in the kitchen.

Instead of focusing on chores, we’ve been working on self-sufficiency in two different areas. Sleep and hygiene. We’ve decided to choose a new category to work on each month, from my

Take Care of Yourself Chart—which (shameless plug) you can buy on my Website with two other charts for just $16, if you’re looking for a Christmas gift idea… great gift for your siblings or friends or yourself.

Anyway, for our new project, we choose a category each month to become our priority, since there’s no way to focus on all the categories at once. We set personal and family goals, and then check in with each other. We also do family activities related to the category.

The first one we chose was sleep, in September. We worked on streamlining our bedtime routines and keeping more regular bedtimes. It went pretty well considering we were coming of the inconsistency of summer sleep.

October, and then again in November, because we still have so much to work on, we focused on hygiene, and specifically teeth. I had no idea before being a parent that oral hygiene would take so much work, cajoling, fighting, and supervision. For some reason our kids think they’re getting away with something if they can make it to bed without brushing their teeth, flossing, or wearing the rubber bands for their braces. As if it’s us, their parents, who will pay the price, and not them–their cute little teeth rotting in their cute little heads. Although I guess we literally do pay the price for filling cavities, which we’ve also had to do this month.

Anyway, we got everyone new electric toothbrushes, we have family flossing parties when we gather to pray and read scriptures at the end of the day, and have started being more vigilant about verifying every night and morning that each kid has indeed brushed, even the ones that I thought were managing that on their own. It’s so much work, especially when I’m tired at the end of the day. But their habits are already improving. This has been an interesting experience. In many cases, as I gain more experience as a mom, I look back and realize I was too heavy handed and micromanaged too much. I’m much more relaxed now. Teeth is one of the few circumstances where I would micromanage more if I had to do it all over again.

Anyway, as we’re working on these monthly categories, I’m putting together guides for each category, with family activities, challenges, experiments, and printables, so that other families can do the program along with us. They’ll be coming sometime next year.

Activities

The biggest reason this has been such a great fall is that my kids have finally started to find things they’re truly passionate about. I talked about my oldest son’s switch from tennis to mountain biking in the last episode. It’s been such a great thing for him. He just finished the mountain biking season and loved it.

The kid is a maniac. Starting this summer, he was on his bike every spare minute, with about equal time on his road and mountain bikes. And on our fall break trip he rode 189 miles over the course of the week. That’s like riding from Baltimore to New York City. It’s so fun to see his passion and drive, now that he’s found something he loves and has some natural talent for.

His races were quite a commitment—four races up in the mountains, anywhere from 3-4 hours away each time. This was the first time we’ve ever traveled overnight for any of our kids’ sports, and I have always kind of looked at parent’s who did that with dread. Like I was almost glad my kids hadn’t really excelled in any sports, so we didn’t have to travel for competitions.

But I have to say, it was actually pretty great. My husband, David, and I split the races up, so we each got two solo weekends with Jonas, something that would never have happened otherwise, and which is extra special because he’s a Junior and doesn’t have much time left at home.

The next three kids in line dove into rock climbing. Though diving isn’t the right verb for it—that would be a bad idea in this sport. They auditioned for a team, and all three made it into their age categories. They just did their first competition this week, and it was so fun to see how good they’re getting. And bonus, it’s a sport I love too, and one that I can actually do with them and even coach them in. I’m pretty giddy about the whole thing. Climbing is just such a great sport for pushing your limits, encouraging each other, and conquering fears. Plus, it has such a great culture.

And my youngest son, Ezra, is one step closer to his goal of becoming a professional soccer player—he actually played on a soccer team. He’s no Beckham yet, but he did pause his on-field conversations to touch the ball a few times each game, so he’s showing more promise than any of my other kids have in the sport. More importantly, of course, he had a blast, and got some great exercise.

Meanwhile, our biggest activity experiment was the high school musical. I knew it would be intense, having seen my friends’ kids do it, but wow, it was still a surprise just how intense, and just how fantastic it was. I came from a tiny school with no music program besides a low-commitment marching band. This school musical may as well have been a Broadway show, with an orchestra and everything. I can’t believe the work that went into the choreography, vocals, set, lighting, everything. We were blown away by last year’s play, but now after seeing behind the scenes, I’m even more amazed. This year’s play was Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, and both my second son, Miles, and my daughter Claire got to play small roles in it—he was a guard and part of the ensemble, and she was in the children’s choir. Even for their small parts, the practice schedule was really busy, and by tech week, Miles got home at 9:00 every night, and, then 10:00 the week of the show. Was it worth it? Yes, and then some. He made so many great friends, got out of his comfort zone to not only learn to dance but to do it on stage, and he got to be part of a team that accomplished something amazing. The play was just fantastic. It’s so cool to have teachers that push kids to excellence. I was an emotional wreck watching all that teenage talent and vulnerability. I may even prefer it to Broadway. I was so darn proud of all those kids. And after yesterday’s 17-hour sleep, I think he might even recover from the craziness of it all.

The thing that took a back seat this fall was music. Jonas continued guitar lessons, but had to put his band on hold for mountain biking season. I basically stopped teaching piano lessons to the others, because I was never home, and my violinist, Abel, was basically only touching his violin at his weekly lesson—which was painful to keep paying for when he wasn’t practicing.

Once some of the sports started winding down, I had a little sit-down with Abel about the violin, and told him that I couldn’t keep paying to rent his instrument and take weekly lessons if he wasn’t going to ever practice.

This is my most independent child, who basically won’t do anything if it’s not his own idea. He said if I’d stop bothering him about practicing, he’d start doing it. So we launched a three week experiment. The first week, he got to be the violin manager. I wouldn’t even mention the violin to him. If he didn’t practice, the next week, I would remind him but not pester him about it or supervise. If that didn’t work, the third week I would manage the heck out of violin practice. So, he didn’t pick the violin up once until the third week. And I was on it. We sat down at the piano at 5:00 sharp every day. I would accompany him as he played. And you know what? We had a great time. He found two songs he loved—we worked the hard parts over and over until he got them down, and he was really proud of his progress. We also realized that part of his problem is that he needs more goal posts to work toward, so we’re going to post a Sunday song every week on our family Instagram, so he can show off and track his progress. We’re also going to choose a song for him to play in church. I’m really excited that our third week worked. I really didn’t want him to give it up. He’s got a great ear, and it pained me to think of him growing up without an instrument. I anticipate many fights along the way—last night, for example. But we’re going to stick it out.

Naps

My main personal self-care experiment this fall has been sleep. My nighttime sleep is kind of a mess. Trouble falling asleep, lots of waking up in the night, etc. Kind of like an infant. So instead of fighting it, I decided to embrace my inner infant. Working from home, and with all my kids in school, I have a pretty flexible schedule during the day. So now I don’t get frustrated when I wake up in the night. I get up and go downstairs. If I’m tired, I read a book. If I’m wide awake, I get some housework or podcast work done. When I get tired, I go back to bed. I wake up with the kids, starting at 5:30 am and help them get ready for school, knowing that when I get home, if I’m tired, I go back to bed. I’ve realized that taking a nap is way more productive than trying to get my work done when I’m tired. If I don’t take a morning nap, I take an afternoon nap before I go back to pick up the kids from school.

This is actually a major paradigm shift for me, that’s taken several years. For so long–like most of my life–I have looked at naps as a sign of weakness or laziness. I would be so embarrassed to admit I needed a nap, or even worse, to have someone catch me napping. When I was a new mom, everyone gave me the advice that all new moms get: sleep when your baby sleeps. And like most new moms, I ignored that advice, thinking I was superhuman and should clean my house or start a new project while my babies slept. So I did. And looking back, again with my magical hindsight goggles, I want to go back and give myself permission to just sleep, and for heaven’s sake, not to be embarrassed about napping! Now I realize that recognizing when you need a nap and figuring out how to make it happen is a sign of strength and productivity, not weakness! Naps forever!

Ok. Done with my soapbox, and on to the next topic—holidays.

Holidays

Fall is the gateway to holiday season, and we ushered it in with fall break. We’re realizing it’s just not as easy to do family vacations once the kids get older and start having lives—and opinions–of their own. This year we had planned to go visit my brother in Seattle and do Olympic National Park and maybe Victoria, a trip I highly recommend. We did it when the kids were little and it was so beautiful. We thought we’d try it again now that they’re old enough to remember.

But alas, our high school thought it would be a good idea to schedule homecoming on the first weekend of fall break. Then the state mountain bike championship was the next weekend, and you don’t find out if you make it until the week before. So we really didn’t have enough time to go to Washington. We actually let our teenagers decide between the trip and homecoming, and they chose Homecoming.

So we regrouped and looked for a place closer to home. We have never stayed in Aspen because it’s like $1000 a night at most places that can accommodate a family of our size. But we like to check once in a while anyway. Well, this time we found a place that seemed way too good to be true. $285 a night right in the city of Aspen, three bedrooms, big kitchen. It looked gorgeous. We were actually nervous about booking it because, how? There must be something wrong with it. But you know—we’re experimenters. Archibalds try new things. So we booked it, and it was amazing! Three separate floors, corner unit with a view of the mountains and a stream, hiking trail in the back, big open living room, and even a piano. For a fun extra, it had a pig theme and a poster of the most beautifully painted butts in the Metropolitan Museum of art that cracked the kids up in an adorably embarrassed kind of way. The only problem was that the main suite upstairs smelled like cigarettes. We’re guessing that’s why the low price. We got some air fresheners and it was livable, the rest of the place made up for it.

Anyway, we had the most magical vacation. We thought the fall leaves would be gone, but there were plenty left, and we had perfect weather. We biked everywhere, including a 25-mile ride to Snowmass, with lots of climbing. Even the youngest two did it without complaining. We geocached, ice skated, swam, ate lots of gelato, hiked, and even met up with family who were vacationing nearby. Granted, there was some obnoxious quarrelling and whining in the mix as well, but overall, it was just what we needed, and much more relaxing than our other trip would have been.

Next came our typical slacker Halloween. I come from a long line of Halloween enthusiasts, and I love it too—I just get overwhelmed by it. I gave up on the idea of elaborate or themed costumes almost immediately after having kids. The last time I tried was when our first son was two and dressed up as a chicken. I tried to get my husband to go as Colonel Sanders and me as a KFC employee, but David didn’t go for it.

Anyway, the plan we’ve settled into is that I give everyone $20 toward their costume and they can make up the difference if it costs more. Ezra wanted to be a monkey. He has worn that costume for at least part of each day since it came in the mail October first. It’s pretty adorable. Don’t worry—I snatch it and wash it once in a while.

My daughter wanted to be an old lady, because we always tease her about being an old lady. She likes old movies and TV shows–Brady Bunch and Little House on the Prairie are her favorites—and she likes grandma candy, like butterscotch and those hard strawberry candies with goo in the middle. Anyway, we had a great time outfitting her at Goodwill. She ended up with two costume changes. Tracksuit granny and shawl granny. It was pretty hilarious.

Abel, my 12-year-old, gamed the system. He really wanted this $80 light saber with sound effects etc. He had been saving up, but wasn’t quite there yet. So he decided to be a Jedi so that I would supply the remaining $20 he needed for the light saber. Pretty clever. So he just wore my bathrobe and carried the light saber.

My two oldest didn’t get very into Halloween this year, but had fun parties with friends. We found a funny Magic 8 ball costume for one, and the other dressed as a bike messenger.

I let the kids buy a few random Halloween decorations, but they were pretty unimpressed with my lackluster décor efforts, as usual.

And even though Thanksgiving isn’t until next week, we already had our feast, thanks to my amazing in-laws. We gave up on the notion that you have to celebrate holidays on the right day all the way back during medical school when my husband had to work through so many holidays. We realized holidays can be whenever you decide they are. So my in-laws cooked us a whole Thanksgiving feast, complete with the most amazing smoked turkey, last weekend, which was the only time we’d all be together around Thanksgiving. If you need us, we’ll be skiing on the actual Thanksgiving day—maybe grab some pizza afterwards.

We haven’t had our annual Christmas bucket list meeting yet, where we decide what traditions we want to prioritize and schedule everything out—that will happen next week, but one thing I’d like to try is a new tradition I just thought of. We usually have my kids draw names and buy gifts for each other, and I think we’ll still do that, but I also want to have an “It’s the Thought that Counts” gift night, probably early in December, where everyone takes some time to think about what each person would love if money/reality were no object. Then we’ll write them down on pieces of paper and then put those notes in each person’s stocking. Then each person can read the gifts everyone else would get us if they could. I just think it would start off the season thinking about each other and our unique interests. I’ll post about how it goes, if it works out.

The last thing I want to talk about is podcasting. I’ve actually taking on an additional podcasting project this fall, creating three pilot episodes for an organization that will remain nameless until these pilots get approved and the podcast becomes official. If it does, my plan is to do two episodes a month for that podcast, and two a month for How She Moms. I will actually earn money with that other podcast, which will I’m hoping will at least allow me to make How She Moms financially sustainable. Also, with that podcast I’ll have an editorial and audio team, which will improve my writing and podcasting skills and teach me a lot, which will benefit both podcasts.

I’m super excited about it and all that I will learn in the process. If all goes well, it will launch in late January, so I’ll keep you updated.

This project also prompted me to finish turning my office into a functioning podcast studio, with acoustic tiles and everything. I’ve officially moved out of my closet and my son’s bedroom. I love it so much!

Another How She Moms experiment I tried was co-hosting a virtual favorite things party with the lovely Jennica Woodbury, who you’ll hear from in the two January episodes about friendship. Six other women showed up this morning, and we shared gift ideas and favorite things. It was really fun. So fun, in fact, that we’re doing another one, for those who prefer an evening timeslot. It will be November 29, at 7 pm MT. If you’d like to join us, you can sign up for free at howshemoms.com/events. If you can’t come, you can still share some of your favorite gift ideas on Instagram. I’ll be asking in my stories for gift ideas in specific categories, from teachers to kids to teens to in-laws. Then I’ll put the ideas all together for a gift extravaganza in an episode on December 7. Until then, enjoy your Thanksgiving, however you celebrate it!