How She Deals with Mom Guilt

Raj Petersson is a pediatric head and neck surgeon. 

Anna Lisa Jones is an obstetrician and gynecologist. 

Kim Phillips is a dermatologist. 

Raj doesn’t feel guilty that she doesn’t deliver babies. Anna Lisa does not think she should remove skin cancer. Kim doesn’t feel bad that she doesn’t reconstruct cleft lips and palates.

Jasmine sings with her daughter. 

Joyce Hanchett coaches her sons’ basketball teams. 

Jen organizes pantries like nobody’s business. 

Hayley Kirkland wins Halloween.

You don’t have to keep your house spotless, remember to sign all the forms, take beautiful pictures, or make gourmet meals to be a good mom. You get to choose your own specialties and let other moms cover the rest. No guilt, no shoulds. (See video above to see all of these amazing women in action.)

In the last episode, How She Feels Mom Guilt, we talked about what mom guilt is and why we feel it. We talked about the difference between mom guilt and mom shame, and all the many factors that play into these complicated feelings.

Today’s episode was hard to name. I started out with How She Conquers Mom Guilt, but we learned last episode that we don’t want to entirely eradicate guilt—it’s a sign that we care about how we show up as a mom, and can help us improve. We can conquer shame all day long, but I didn’t want this episode to only be about shame either. So I thought How She Neutralizes Mom Guilt might be better. But that didn’t feel quite right, because I’m not sure that’s the goal either, and frankly, I don’t want to be the one to decide what your guilt goals should be. So I landed on this title—How She Deals with Mom Guilt. Because all ten of the moms in this episode deal with guilt in different ways, and I hope this is what you come here to my podcast for–different approaches that can broaden your perspective and that you can add to your tool box, so they’re there when you need them.

In this episode, we’ll hear from ten different moms with ten tools for dealing with mom shame and guilt:

1. Put Yourself in Context.

Put yourself in your own context based on your own unique situation–your financial situation, your stage in life, your profession, the size of your family, how you were raised, and the amount of help and support you have. This tip is brought to you by the brilliant Bryce Reddy, a family therapist who specializes in maternal mental health.

We can only do our best with the information we have in our various circumstances. Choices about how we raise our kids, whether we go back to work, or where we send our kids to daycare, depend on income and other factors. We don’t always have the breadth of choices that we might like.

You can follow Bryce on Instagram at @mombrain.therapy, and I highly suggest that you do—her graphics speak all sorts of mom truths.

Alexandra Rozo is a great example of how context is everything, and of how varied that context can be. She is a single mom, an actress, and flamenco dancer. Of course her version of motherhood is going to look different than mine, and probably yours. I talked to her last spring, when her daughter had not yet started school.

I’m definitely tormented by mom guilt. It comes from the fact that I work from home, and she’s at home. She’s not in school yet. When I’m doing things like this interview, she’s out there on the iPad, just by herself. That makes me feel really bad.

Being an artist and doing the work that I do, I have to spend a lot of time by myself, whether it’s recording or doing auditions. She spends a lot of time by herself, either on the iPad or watching TV. That’s my only option. I really have no other option at the moment. I’m waiting for her to start kindergarten, which will be a game changer for me.

But I feel so bad. Sometimes, I can’t even focus on my work because I feel like a terrible mother. I worry about what my daughter is doing out there. She’s not watching anything inappropriate, but I feel like I should be there with her. 

The time that I do spend with her, we have so much fun. I feel like I must be doing something right because she’s such a smart, creative girl. Then I realize we’re doing so badly. I get a lot of awesome feedback from my friends and the people around us. They tell me I’m a good mom because she’s such a smart, beautiful girl. That makes me feel better.

Sometimes Alex’s daughter stays up later than most other kids at her mom’s dance rehearsals. But she also gets to sleep in. And she gets exposed to amazing cultural experiences. She gets to see her mother do what she loves. Sure, she may be on screens more than Alex would like, but listen to how much love this girl has in her life. Alex is a great mom.

2. Zoom Out

The next tip is kind of related, but with a wider lens. It’s to zoom out, to get some perspective.  We’re going to talk about three ways to zoom out. First, you can zoom out to look at other parents. Chances are you are neither the best or worst parent you know. Most of the parents you know, like you, and like the moms in the intro, are good at some things and not others. Just like you. I’m not suggesting that you get wrapped up in comparison—that can lead you toward mom shame instead of away from it, but you can acknowledge the great parenting you see on Instagram and at the park while also recognizing that these moms are not perfect either.

Second, you can zoom out to look at other kids. Don’t be picky about which kids you’re looking at. Cast a wide net, and you’ll see the same variety in kids as you do with parents. I noticed the importance of this because of my husband. Occasionally he’d come home from work talking about so and so’s kid who was already potty trained, or whose kid was a great swimmer, or whose kid was doing really well in school, and wondered why our kids weren’t doing those things. Or he’d be shocked by a tantrum or specific behavior by our own kids that didn’t phase me a bit.

I realized quickly that the difference between our perspectives was that he spent very little time with children other than our own. I’d seen the kind of tantrums that the potty prodigy could throw. I had a much better grasp on how truly insane and illogical kids’ behavior is in general, because I’ve been to lots of parks, playdates, and preschools.

Again, the point here is not to compare your kids to other specific kids but to get a feel for the variety of kids out there and the wide range of normal. This can also help you recognize when you actually do need to be concerned. Teachers are very helpful touchstones here too, since they know the range of age-appropriate behavior and their perspective can help you evaluate if your child’s behavior is something to be concerned about.

I love Renee Reina’s perspective about comparison and especially standard milestones. 

Milo was born small. My two friends’ kids who were born at the exact same time were much bigger. Their babies hit every milestone way before we did. I hated tummy time. It made me really anxious. Then I remembered tummy time wasn’t a thing when I was growing up, and I can still lift my head. I decided I wouldn’t stress over this. 

I think we get so paranoid because there are situations when there could be something else going on if your child doesn’t hit a milestone. For the most part, there is a huge range in which kids will meet milestones. We can’t compare ourselves to others or stress about different milestones. 

When you’re confident in your own decisions, you’re also much less likely to look at somebody else and judge them for what they’re doing. You understand that they’re just like you; they’re making the best choice for their family. 

Renee is a psychologist and the host of the Mom Room Podcast.

And the third way to get perspective is to zoom out in your kids’ timeline. Ask yourself, How much is this thing I’m stressing about—breastfeeding or preschool or screentime going to matter in 5, 10, 20 years. Here’s Raj Pedersson, the head and neck surgeon I talked about in the intro. I asked her if she feels mom guilt.

I feel less guilt as the years have gone by. Early on, it’s hard because moms are expected to be able to do it all, whether that’s external or internal pressure. Breastfeeding was never easy for me, and I felt super guilty. I did it, and I felt super happy when I stopped. Then I felt guilty about feeling happy about it!

Early on, there’s more of that pressure because you want to be so perfect for your new baby. It doesn’t always work out that way. As the years go by, that feeling lessens. I have much more perspective now. You just make the choices that work for you.

And let’s end this section about perspective with Renee again:

My husband and I are awesome parents. Sometimes I think it’s a shame that we’re not going to have more kids, because we’re freaking awesome at it. We’re a good team. 

I’m totally confident in how Milo is being raised, but at the same time, I think others might not be because they are focusing on things that don’t matter. If you think about your child growing up and being a respectable member of society, getting a good job, and being happy and fulfilled in life, the things that we are worrying about don’t matter.

In one of his books, Malcolm Gladwell  talks about how nobody knows what at what age any adult learned how to read. We do not compare that statistic past kindergarten, first grade, or second grade. And yet, we put so much emphasis on that, or hold it as a badge of honor if our kid is an early reader. 

People often compare their children to their peers, which is not a good idea! Don’t do that! Everyone is on their own path in life. 

There’s probably someone out there whose kid is terrible in math. The parents think it’s the end of the world because their kid doesn’t thrive in math. Well, I did not thrive in math at all, and I got to university. I excelled in statistics, which people think is math, but it’s not. It’s totally different. I crushed all my stats classes. Now I have a PhD in psychology. I was brutal in math. I hated it. I think I got 50% in one of my high school classes, and I’m doing okay. 

3. Stop the Black and White Thinking

Another guilt trap we can get in, especially in the early years of parenting is black and white thinking. We think there is one right answer or one right way to do things, and if we miss that right thing, it’s over. I spent so much time researching, trying to find the right approach to discipline or introducing solids or potty training or sleep training or teaching kids to read. It took me a while to realize how different my approach needed to be for each child and each situation. It took so much guilt and stress out of my life when I stopped looking for one magic bullet. Sometimes this goes back to comparison. Maybe you think the way your own mother or a friend did something must be the one right way, or what you read in a book. Here’s Renee again:

After a few weeks of breastfeeding, I had to switch over to formula. I kept pumping because in my mind I couldn’t let go of the idea that he should have my  breast milk. I pumped and froze so much milk, but it was a total waste of effort. Every time I  reintroduced breast milk, he would have crazy diarrhea. I didn’t want to do the elimination diets. He was up all night, gassy. So instead of feeling bad, I didn’t breastfeed. I gave him formula. 

In my situation, I was anxious over the fact that he was having diarrhea because he was small at birth. I worried he wasn’t taking enough in or getting all the nutrients he needed, so  formula was the absolute best decision for us at that moment. You have to look at your situation and make decisions based on what is best in that particular instance rather than ruminating about what you thought was the best or right path.

4. Own Your Priorities

The fourth tool to combat mom shame is to own your priorities. We actually do this all the time, but in a roundabout way, when we say, “I don’t have time for that.” What we’re really saying is “That’s not my priority right now.”

This is where the shoulds come in. We look at what we are doing, and start thinking about all the other things we should be doing. When you find that you’re shoulding yourself, it’s a good time to step back and make a list of your values and priorities.

Chanelle Neilson, a life coach at chanelleneilsoncoaching.com, learned this lesson from Jessica Jackson, who we will hear from later in this episode:

A lot of times, guilt comes up because we have this idea of “should.” 

Should I be working right now? Or should I be with my kids? 

There are only two options. Either option will be seen as wrong when we have the idea that one option is right and the other one is wrong. Of course we’re going to feel guilt. 

The reframe is to say, “What do I want to be doing right now? Well, for the next half an hour I want to be working and when I’m done with that, I want to go downstairs and be with my family.”

 That kind of takes a lot of pressure off when you get rid of the should. Switching to want has really helped me because I can say, “Right now I do want to do this. And that’s a valid choice. I want to be with my kids, and I want to work. But right now I choose to work. When I get home, I just choose to give you kids all the love.” Instead of feeling like we should do one or the other, we end up with dual wanting that makes us sad that we can’t be in two places at once.

I love this idea of dual wanting. Like we talked about earlier, our daily choices are rarely black and white. They’re subtle judgements about how to spend our time. Choices between good, better, and best.

 And doing it all is not an option, nor is it our responsibility, as Anna Zupanzic, a mother of four mentioned in our interview.

 I don’t have to do everything or be everything to everyone. That’s not my role. It’s not my job. It’s not what I’m called to do. 

I asked Monica Packer, host of the About Progress podcast, how she figures out her own priorities.

 It helps when I calm myself down. I have confidence in the choices that I’ve made, or I feel confident about the pivot I’m going to make by remembering who am I as a person, and what matters to me. As part of that remembering, I cannot be everything to everybody, including my kids. I have 7 kids. Every child in a big family like mine has a different perspective of the same parenting they had from the same parents. It’s just a matter of going back to who you are, what matters to you, and doing your best with love. That always helps me come back to myself and feel more grounded in myself. 

I think that also gives us the opportunity to celebrate other women and their differences. Instead of feeling guilty that I’m not throwing a party for my child like my neighbor down the street is throwing for her child, I can instead know we do things in different ways. This is who I am. That’s who she is. That’s awesome. 

That’s where that mom shaming culture comes in, when moms are attacking each other. I see that not as an attack on each other, as much as it is a defense mechanism against insecurities. We think, “If I put her down, then I’m right.” It’s more about trying to prove and uphold your identity as a mom because of the choices you’ve made. Instead, we need to say, “No, it’s okay that we do these things differently.”

This evaluation is always shifting, because priorities shift with your circumstances. Here’s some wisdom from Maria Eckersley, 

 I don’t use the word balance very often when it comes to motherhood. For this very reason, I feel like I never achieve a balance. When you think of balance, you think of scales that are made level by giving enough love to each kid. Each child would be in a content, happy place. That visual doesn’t work with my mothering. Instead, one of the things that works for me is to try to get harmony in my mothering. 

There are going to be times when my 17 year old, Emily, needs a lot more attention. That means Violet doesn’t get a cozy tuck in. I say goodnight, give her a kiss, and I get her in her bed. I’m gonna talk to the 17 year old. That’s a harmony, right? It means I’m putting the same amount of effort and time in. But it’s divided up very unevenly. 

There are going to be times when Violet needs extra time, and Emily will be happy to just head to bed without me even saying goodnight for that night. 

Instead of worrying constantly about balance, you have to trust that your mothering instincts and the promptings and ideas you get will help you find harmony. As one note goes up, another one might go down. That’s the best way I’ve found to mother without guilt. There are times when I don’t get a chance to read with Violet. I just say, “I’m too tired, sweetie. You have got to just get in bed, and I’ll see you in the morning.”

 You have to give yourself permission for that to be okay. The way I can do that is by noticing where I amplified my motherhood somewhere else. It’s really easy to have a terrible tucking with Violet and feel guilt over not reading to her or singing her a song. Instead, I try to look through my day and think about where I did amplify my mothering. I must be tired for some reason. I can look through the day and realize I actually helped Will with his science fair project, and I made dinner tonight instead of getting pizza. That’s why I needed to reduce Violet’s tuck-in energy. I used it somewhere else. That gives me peace of mind about my parenting. 

Maria runs a web site called meckmom.com, where she posts ideas and products to help you be the fun mom. I featured her in episode 74, How Maria Makes It Fun.

 The last point I want to make in this section about priorities is that explaining our priorities to our children can also be a great teaching tool. If you don’t have time to help them with something as immediately as they want you to, explain to them what you are doing and why it is your priority at the moment. You don’t have to do this every time, but it’s good for them to see some of the difficult choices you have to make and see the process you go through. I loved this advice from Nancy Maldonado.

She went back to work when her son was three and felt a lot of guilt about that. 

There was guilt there. Absolutely. There’s also guilt for when I’m not home. I would leave the house before my son woke up and I would get home when he was already in bed. That felt awful. 

Part of the way that I have justified it or been able to work through it is because of the work that I do. I always encourage my staff to bring their children to work if they ever get the opportunity. I want them to show their kids that they’re giving back, not just choosing to be away from them. I’ve always believed that. When he can see what I do, it makes me feel a little less guilty about when I’m not with him. It’s because I’m doing something that’s meaningful. Hopefully, I’m helping to make the world just a little bit of a better place.

And Nancy’s work has given a lot to the world. She is a community activist, and when I interviewed her last spring, she was the CEO of the Chicano Federation of San Diego.

5. Own what you’re good at.

Since like Anna said, we can’t do everything, the fifth tool is to lean into our strengths and own what we’re good at.

The idea for the intro came from my friend Jen Brewer, a mom of seven,  a writer, speaker, nutritionist, and so much more. She’s one of those people who always has a new exciting project. She was deep in early motherhood, overwhelmed and depressed, when she had this epiphany.

My husband did the medical school thing. He did an internship year in internal medicine and hated every second of it. He would come home telling me that if he had to do internal medicine for the rest of his life, he would die. 

His specialty is dermatology. Now 12 years into his field, and he’s like a kid on Christmas going into work. 

One day, I was finally trying to explain to him my misery, for lack of a better terminology. I said, “Look, honey. Let’s say that somebody were to tell you, you get to be a doctor. But being a doctor means you get to do internal medicine. You’re a doctor, so you have to be happy with it, because that’s your love.” He physically cringed. I told him that’s what it’s like to try to fit into a specific mold of what it means to be a mom. “Congratulations, you can be a mom and you can love it. To be a good mom, you do XYZ.” 

But why can’t we, as moms, specialize? I finally owned up to the fact that I am not a toddler mom. I have had toddlers for 15 years. I finally realized I do not like the ages between 18 months and four. I’ll do it, but it doesn’t mean I have to force myself to love it. 

Now I love and adore the teenagers. We can have our meaty conversations. We’ve had some pretty hefty issues going through teenage years, but that’s what I’m built for. Bring me your hard problems. I will all go through the trenches with you. 

I struggle with toddler problems. I struggle sitting through hours of Candyland. But I finally have come to own that with me. My specialty is not this, and it’s okay. I’ll do the other part. I love my child and I want them to grow. But, I’m not going to force myself to pretend like I’m fulfilled in that arena. 

I am not a nighttime mom. I will not bathe my kids at night. In fact, my husband does the nighttime reading. He does the tuck-ins. If they want to say goodnight to me, they’ll come and kiss me when I’m in bed. I go to sleep before almost anybody in my house. I’m Cruella Deville after about eight o’clock at night. That’s not my specialty. 

If you want to see me in my prime, come in the early morning. I rock early morning hours. I will snuggle, I will read your books in the morning, I will get you ready in the morning. That’s me. That’s my specialty. I’m a morning specialty Mom, I’ll do all my baking in the morning. I’ve come to own that I don’t have to do the night shift. I will do it, but I don’t have to pretend like I love it.

I actually did a whole episode on this topic of writing your own job description as a mom in episode 30, A Mom’s Job, if you want to hear more moms talk about how they find their specialties. There’s also a whole series on How Moms Discover Their Passions in episodes 61-64.

6. Be Kind to Yourself

The next tool is just to be kind to yourself. Bryce Reddy has gotten really good at this.

I have a lot of practice redirecting those negative thoughts that can consume us. But, I’m also human. There are times when my mom guilt can flare up. Those are times when I’m tired or I’m not feeling well or I’m in the thick of something new, the mom guilt can creep up on you. I don’t feel it on a regular basis necessarily, but I do have a lot of practice in redirecting myself, being gentle with myself, and knowing the bigger picture as a therapist. 

Life is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s really easy to start judging ourselves on micro moments that we have. We think, “I shouldn’t have yelled. I shouldn’t have done that.” I can always remind myself, I can do better tomorrow. I can do better in the next 10 minutes. I can make a different choice.

Practicing those skills of talking to yourself in that kind, compassionate way, is a great way to kind of cope with those harsh, critical feelings of mom guilt.

The first thing I always want to practice with people is noticing the negative thoughts they’re having. We don’t even hear those critical things that we’re saying to ourselves. We just kind of float through them. We start feeling agitated, irritated, and bad about ourselves. We’re kind of bubbling up like a little pot of water. 

Being able to tune in and recognize when you’re being critical of yourself is a great skill to have. It’s the foundation of making any sort of change. You have to actually recognize the physical and mental cues that are telling you, “I’m being hard on myself right now– too hard on myself!” You have to listen to what that harsh, critical voice is saying, and be intentional about responding to that voice. Instead of thinking, “I’m the worst,” change those thoughts to, “I don’t have time for that line of thinking. I can do better in the next 10 minutes.”

How would I talk to a friend who was saying that about herself or himself? You’d probably say, “You know what? You’re doing your best! You’ve had a hard week. You haven’t been sleeping a lot. What can we do to help you feel a little bit more together? Do you need some time on a certain day to take one kid out for a solo day with mom?” You need to be able to respond to those thoughts and problem solve around them.

7. Evaluate Legitimacy

Tool seven is to take a minute to examine the guilt you feel. In the last episode, we talked about how mom guilt is often irrational. If you hold it up to the light of logic, or even just think about it after you’ve gotten a little sleep, it just might disappear. I asked Jessica Jackson, host of the Thriving in Motherhood podcast, if she feels mom guilt. 

 Before I came a mom, I was adamant about not having mom guilt. I was determined to not experience it because I thought it was dumb. Then I became a mom and I was already practically dying in every way, so I did struggle with mom guilt. I was able to eradicate it once I learned about cognitive distortions, and the fact that mom guilt is created by “should” statements, which aren’t real. 

I was constantly thinking, “I should be doing dishes, I should be playing with my kids, I should be reading a book, I should be getting dressed, they should be exercising, I should be cooking a meal.” I realized 90% of my internal dialogue was a distortion and wasn’t reality. I could change those thoughts and the mom guilt kind of went away. 

I have guilt because I have a conscience. If I do something wrong, I go repair it and handle the guilt in a healthy way. But mom guilt is made up of distortions and unhelpful thinking.

8. Find Support

The next tip is to surround yourself with support. To some moms, this sounds easy and obvious. To others it seems impossible. I’ve got episodes in the works to go in-depth into how to make friends, end mommy wars and support each other. In fact, if you have insights or experiences related to this topic, I’d love to talk to you! Email me at whitney@howshemoms.com.

We heard from Alexandra Rozo earlier in this episode. Part of her support group is Wendy Castellano-Wolf, also a flamenco dancer and the other host of the Mama Cita podcast. Wendy is one of the moms who doesn’t feel a lot of mom guilt, partly because she also has a really strong support system, even built into her home. She lives in a multi-generational household with her parents:

Having my parents around, let me work. I had built in babysitting for goodness sake! That’s priceless. When Sawyer was born, I could accept any job, go to work guilt free, not have to pay a babysitter, come home, and not feel crappy about it. My son had spent time with his grandparents.

This is huge. There does seem to be a direct correlation between the kind of support moms have and the amount of guilt they feel. I think part of this is because they realize it’s ok not to be able to do everything themselves, and they really don’t have to. They have friends and family who can step in and fill in the gaps.

This is a big reason my grandma didn’t know what the heck I was talking about when I mentioned mom guilt. She had a tight village of moms who would get together and help each other do chores and let the kids play. They’d watch out for each other’s kids, and help each other out.

If you, like most of us, don’t live with your parents or in the 1940s, you may have to work harder to build a support system and take that vulnerable step of asking for help. But there are so many other moms searching for support, that when we can find each other and band together it’s a beautiful thing.

This idea of surrounding ourselves with support extends to social media. Social media gets blamed for a lot of mom guilt, but it can also be part of the solution. You get to curate your own experience here. You can stop following accounts that make you feel guilt, and start following accounts that help you feel support—people who show the realities of motherhood, both good and bad. Clean up those accounts!

9. Recognize Agency

Ok, on to tool 9. In the last episode, we talked about how parents are ultimately not responsible for their kids’ behavior or choices. This may be the hardest part of mom guilt to overcome. “If only I had taught him this.” “If only I had done a better job at that.” Recognizing that our children are their own people with their own agency is hard, but necessary as they grow up to live their own lives. You have influence in their lives, but you can’t control their lives. Janet Thompson, one of my motherhood mentors, shared her story about learning this lesson.

You’ll always feel guilty that you’re not doing a good job. You have these spirits that are all individual and have their own free agency. You have to accept that. I have a couple of situations where I wish that they had done things differently. My children’s lives are not exactly the way I wanted them to turn out or expected them to turn out. 

I was really concerned about two of my children that are still living with me. Their siblings are very critical of me and thought they had the answers about what I should be doing. I was racking my brain, praying and fasting, and trying to figure out how to do it. Then the thought came into my head, “If they weren’t your kids and living in your house, what would they be doing? Would they be saying family prayer? Would they be saying prayer over the meals? Would they be visiting their nephews and nieces and spending time with them? Would they be going to church every Sunday? What things would they or wouldn’t they be doing if they didn’t live with you? From that point on, I just stopped. I stopped my guilt. I stopped trying to control stuff and trying to inspire. I just accepted them. Once I did that, I just felt so free. I’m not burdened with that anymore. That’s not a  part of my personality anymore. I became very happy about that, and less guilty. No guilt at all. 

10. Focus on love

And this is where I want to leave the episode, with a related tip, focusing on love. Loving and accepting our kids for who they are, loving ourselves for who we are.  Here’s Maria Eckersley again, to take us out.

I remember when Jack was first diagnosed with autism. We had so many kids that I was scared to even join the autism mom groups.They were so devoted to their autistic child. It always made me feel like I wasn’t keeping up with the latest books or other information. It was a constant weight on me. 

I realized, my whole primary goal is that Jack knows that I love him. And I think he’s going to be successful in life. That is my focus. That is my emphasis. There are 100 different ways to teach that, but as long as he gets a little piece of that from me every day, I feel like I’m doing what I was sent here to do. 

I feel like that with my other kids to some degree, too. It’s not so much about molding them in exactly the right way. It’s about keeping them malleable so that as adults, they can be formed into the person they’re supposed to be. I’m just supposed to keep them learning. I’m supposed to keep them feeling loved and supported. I’m not trying to make perfect adults. They won’t become that until the very end of their life. I’m trying to just give them options and make them feel appreciated and loved and happy. If you can accomplish that, then you can feel like you’re a good mom.