How She Serves Family and Friends

Art by Abigale Palmer, abigalepalmer.com

Marjean Archibald was newly married, pregnant with her first child, and had just moved to Boise, ID. She hadn’t seen her family since her wedding seven months before, and they were all going to meet in Utah that week. She was so excited. Then she got the call. Her family had gotten into an accident on the drive to Utah, and her mother didn’t make it. Being new in town, she didn’t have many friends—but she had Susan Hanson. Their husbands worked together and Susan had reached out to Marjean right when she moved in, to make sure she was settling in to her new home.

Susan got a babysitter for her kids, rushed over to Marjean’s house and stayed with her all day as she packed for the funeral. Susan didn’t do anything specific—just sat with Marjean, talked to her about her mother, and held her hand through that difficult day.

Soon afterwards, Marjean had her baby (my husband, David), and felt the loss of her mother even more. Her sisters lived far away and were busy with their own families, but again, Susan stepped up to help Marjean navigate life as a new mom. She even taught Marjean how to nurse her baby and encouraged her to keep going through the hard part. Six weeks later it was a piece of cake, and Marjean was so grateful.

Their friendship continued, until one snowy weekend they were up in the mountains together. Susan had been elected as the Sergeant in Arms of the Idaho legislature, and had to get back for a major event, but the roads were closed. A friend flew in on a private plane to pick her up. But the plane got lost in the storm, and they couldn’t find the plane. As soon as the roads opened, Marjean rushed to be with Susan’s family. She cooked meals, gave rides, and just helped however she could. Despite the terrible circumstances, Marjean was so happy to be able to serve Susan’s family after all she had done for her.

We would all love to be somebody’s Susan. But sometimes it’s hard to know how we can be useful. I decided to talk to as many moms as I could about how they serve their families and friends, and how they create a culture of service in their homes. I did not have to look very far to find amazing examples.

Serving at Home

Eleanor Roosevelt wrote, “Most women, I think, though they may complain a little about this, would agree that meeting the needs of others is not a real burden; it is what makes life worth living. It is probably the deepest satisfaction a woman has.”

Like firefighters, doctors, nurses, and teachers, moms are on the front lines of the service industry. We get on-the-job training from day one to recognize the needs of these little people and to serve those needs. And these little helpless human beings have so many needs! They will literally die if we don’t feed them, clean them up, and keep them from falling off high things. We serve almost by default, but serving our families certainly counts as doing service.   

There are seasons in our lives as mothers, especially the season of young children, when serving in our homes is just about the only service we can do. Taking care of our littles takes all of our bandwidth. That’s totally fine—and it counts! Sure, you may wish you had time to take a meal over to neighbor who just had a baby, but if you’re barely scraping together some sandwiches for your own dinner, the timing is just not right.

Julie Cornwell learned this lesson as a young mother. She had two little girls, ages 4 and 2, and she lived in an area with a lot of other young moms who needed help. It seemed like there was always someone in her church congregation having a baby, having miscarriages, getting sick—a lot of need for meals, babysitting, and other service.

One day she spent all day (with lots of interruptions) making lasagna for a friend who had just had a baby. And while she baked, her girls took out every toy they owned. She couldn’t take one step without stepping on something. She delivered the meal and prepared to spend the next three hours cleaning up. To make things worse, she had underestimated the amount of ingredients she needed, and didn’t have enough to make their own dinner.

When her husband came home, they had a bowl of cereal together in a delicious smelling house. He kindly asked her if it might be time to reevaluate how much she was helping other people, at the expense of her own needs and her family. She didn’t have to help every single time someone needed help. Other people would step up too.

She says, “I was the person who, if a signup sheet came around in my church congregation to help someone, I signed up every time. I felt like I had to. People needed my help. I almost hyperventilated the first time I let one pass by.”

But she realized that sometimes it’s ok to say no. “It helped me have a different perspective and pick and choose when to help and when to take a break and breathe and focus on my own family’s needs,” she says.

For some mothers, the season of high-intensity needs in their own families is longer than for others. My friend Kelley Durrant was always praying for service opportunities. Then she had a twins who were born very premature. Her daughter Ressa, lived only a few weeks. Her son survived, with cerebral palsy. Kelley didn’t realize that her prayers would be answered in this way, but she really does believe her prayers for service opportunities were answered with this sweet boy that requires a lot of care.

In some seasons, like when Marjean lost her mom, or when you have a new baby, you are the service project, and that’s okay too. Think of the opportunities you’re providing for those friends who really do want to help you.

Life is long and there will be plenty of service opportunities. And when you reach a time when you can reach out and help others, you’ll find that motherhood has trained you to serve. Whether we realize it or not, we’re learning a tangible skillset of service that extends to serving friends, our community, and beyond.

Being Useful

In other seasons, you have the bandwidth to be helpful, but sometimes it’s hard to know how to help. Ultimately, serving other people is about being useful, which is one of Eleanor Roosevelt’s four requirements for happiness, along with honesty, doing your best, and the ability to love others. We’re going to hear from her a lot this podcast, because I just read her book, “You Learn By Living,” and it was amazing. She has a whole chapter on usefulness, which she defines as “a kind of blanket word that covers all the many kinds of service to one’s fellow men. It is an expression of human love. Or, instead of love, perhaps the better word would be respect.”

I know it’s just semantics, but I really like how she interchanges the word usefulness for service—it’s just so practical. She goes on to say, “Usefulness, whatever form it may take, is the price we should pay for the air we breathe and the food we eat and the privilege of being alive. And it is its own reward, as well, for it is the beginning of happiness, just as self-pity and withdrawal from the battle are the beginning of misery.”

I love that last part—serving others is the beginning of happiness. That was definitely true for Kirsti (kersti) Clark. She struggled with post-partum depression for a year after her son was born. That next year, as one of her New Year’s resolutions, she decided to do an act of service every day, even if it was something small.

You can learn more about Kirsti and her story on episode 14 of the Helping of Happiness podcast, hosted by a good friend of mine, Hillary Hess.

Jana Frei teaches her kids to serve through one of their family mottos: perceive the need. So for example, before they go to a church activity, she gives them a pep talk about looking for people who could use their help. They help moms with their kids, hold doors, clear tables, put away chairs, etc.   

I’ve seen them in action at church activities, and they really are—helping with other people’s kids, setting up tables and chairs, clearing dishes, they’re always actively engaged.

Let’s talk a little more about how to perceive the need—to figure out how we can be helpful. I divided this section into five different tips.

1.     Lay the Foundation of Friendship

The first thing we can do, to help us serve others in the future is to lay a foundation of love and trust with our friends and neighbors. We can’t very well perceive someone’s need if we don’t reach out and get to know them in the first place. This was key in Susan’s relationship with Marjean. It would’ve been weird to offer spend a day with a total stranger after her mom died.

But Susan had taken the time to build a foundation for their friendship. When Marjean moved in, Susan welcomed her into the community and introduced her to other friends. She threw her a baby shower and invited people she thought Marjean would like to know. She included her in her life.

2.     Use Your Strengths to Serve

Another way you can approach service, is to start with your own strengths, and then find a way to serve others with those talents. Juliana Hall loves to cook, so she often just doubles a recipe and then thinks of who might benefit from a ready-made meal that night. She has a friend who doesn’t like bringing people dinner, but she’s happy to babysit for people. She always seems to have a few extra kids at her house. The two friends could beat themselves up for not doing the service that they don’t like to do, or they can embrace the kind of service that comes naturally to them.

I asked members of the How She Moms Facebook group how they use their strengths to help others and got such a wide variety of responses. It’s so cool how different all of our gifts are and how beautifully they come together.

Rachel Beckstead’s mom is a good seamstress so she has helped a lot of people fix or sew clothes, especially dresses. Her sister is a great hostess and has hosted a lot of parties and wedding receptions at her house.

Kelley Durrant has a hidden talent that she discovered only after giving birth. Her milk supply was prolific enough that she was able to donate 100 gallons of breast milk to the Mother’s Milk Bank of North Texas.

Maegan Nelson is a nurse practitioner. She pulls out stitches for people, gives medical advice, when she can, attends baby deliveries, or comes to the hospital when asked.

Jen Young has helped friends jump cars with dead batteries and change flat tires. One of her friends helps her troubleshoot home and appliance repairs and they get them done together.

When Diana Visser was pregnant, her husband lost his job. Her church congregation rallied around her. A man from church did their taxes, and friends from church organized babysitting once a week while she went to school to get her teaching degree.

3.     Build It Into Your Routine

Perhaps the best way to make service a part of your family culture is to build it into your existing routine. At dinner, Angela Halliday asks her kids one good thing that happened, one bad thing, and how they served someone.

Shanae Briggs adds to that, asking her kids what they did for someone else and what someone else did for them. She also asks her kids to compliment each other every day, which definitely qualifies as an act of service. She tries to compliment other people in front of her kids, like the checker at the grocery store.

Meghann Guentensberger keeps a gratitude journal and writes two things she’s thankful for and one act of service she did each day.

Julie prays daily to find people she can serve.

Kelli Archibald likes to ask people who are having a tough time, or just have a lot of young kids at home to send her their grocery list when she’s about to go shopping. It’s easy for her just add their shopping to her own.

Katie Toups is good at making meals ahead or making more than she needs and freezing the rest. Then, her freezer is always stocked with homemade meals. When someone needs a meal she can just pull one out and deliver it.

4.     Just Show Up

Sometimes you just have to show up. Cheryl Cardall was on bedrest the month before her last son was born, then in the hospital for two weeks. The baby was in the hospital for six weeks. This was her fifth child, so he had four other kids at home.

Her friends didn’t just give lip service: “Let me know if you need something.” They just saw what needed to be done and did it, providing meals, rides, and anything else she needed. One friend and her daughter showed up with cleaning supplies and said, “We’re here to clean your bathroom.” At first, Cheryl was embarrassed. Although her husband and sons had been doing their best to keep up with the house, she hadn’t given them a thorough cleaning for months. But her friend understood—which is why she came in the first place. She came once a week for three months.

Cheryl shares parenting advice on Instragram @supermamas4real. She’s also starting her own podcast soon, about parenting teens.

Some types of service fit almost any occasion—offering to babysit, running errands, just sitting and listening, or offering encouragement. These are things you can usually just show up and do.

Sometimes when you need help and have many willing friends, coordinating the helpers becomes a job in itself. Taking this off someone’s plate can be a huge favor. For example, when Danielle Banner was moving, her friend Kelsey, who lives 300 miles away wanted to help. So she organized some mutual friends to help watch Danielle’s kids and help her clean and pack for the whole week of the move. 

And then of course there’s food. That relentless chore of feeding the family. After Cassie had a miscarriage, one friend showed up at her house with a rotisserie chicken, others brought entire meals, and one friend who lived across the country had a meal delivered to her house. Gift cards to restaurants are another great way to provide a meal for someone in need. 

When Amber had a miscarriage, a friend packed her kids school lunches for three weeks. 

But when you’re providing food, it’s often good to find out what is already being provided and what would be most useful. One mom had surgery and had trouble getting around. Many of her well-meaning friends brought plates of treats and cookies. Eventually, she was just throwing some of them right in the trash because her kids were just eating junk non-stop. She appreciated the gesture, but they just couldn’t eat any more cookies.

Brittney, who blogs at homegrowntraditions.com, likes to provide healthy snacks, such as veggies and dip and protein balls, for friends who’ve just had a baby or are going through any other hardship, instead of full meals. “Having things to grab and go when you’re hungry, but don’t have the energy to be in the kitchen is hugely helpful,” she says. 

When Kelley Durrant was spending so much time in the NICU with her premature babies, many friends brought dinners, but after a while, what she really wanted was for some good breakfast food. So she just asked a good friend, who was so happy to provide the precise thing she was craving.

5.     Draw from Experience

Another way we can figure out how to be useful is to draw from our own experiences, thinking about what we needed most in certain situations, and offering to help meet those needs for others. Most of us have been sick and/or pregnant, moved, and cared for new babies. I asked moms to send me examples of service that really helped them during common situations, to start you thinking about things you can do.

For example, during the first trimester of pregnancy, you could offer to do chores that involve strong, nausea-enducing smells. You can also offer to watch other kids during all those doctor appointments. Jenn had a lovely friend who did this for her throughout her whole pregnancy. When she picked them up after an appointment, her friend would ask when her next appointment was and put it in her calendar. 

Each of the four times Hayley Kirkland has been pregnant, her friend Jackie Richardson has sent her a package with Gatorade, ginger ale, Preggy Pops, and crackers. 

In the last trimester, you can volunteer to watch kids and bring meals before the baby is born. Often we do these things after the baby is born but forget how hard those last few weeks of pregnancy are and how much you have on your to-do list at that time. 

You can also help with household tasks that require bending. Allie’s mom gave her one-year-old a bath every other night for the last two months of her pregnancy when it was so hard to bend over and crouch down. 

You can also keep her company and pamper her. When Heather Kellersberger went over her due date her friends set up lunch dates with her to distract her while she waited. Mauri Winder’s friend took her to get a prenatal massage and to lunch two weeks before she had her baby and it was heavenly. 

Once the baby comes, there are a whole new set of needs. That tiny being takes so much care and attention that helping a friend take care of their other responsibilities is often the most useful thing you can do. Here are some ideas:

• Give breastfeeding care packages. Sarah Engebretson likes to give her friends nursing care packages with snacks, magazines or books, a water bottle and lanolin.

• Offer your company and support. When Lindsey went into labor at 34 weeks and her husband was out of town, her friends took turns both staying with her at the hospital and watching her kids.

• Give rides to other kids. After I had my last baby, my friend Lori Brescia drove my kindergartner to school every day for a whole year, no strings attached.

• Hire help. This does not have to be expensive. Candi’s mom hired a teenage girl to come weekly to play with her older kids so she could sit and hold the baby in peace. My friends pooled their money and gave me four hours of house cleaning as a baby shower gift.

• Hold the baby. This is perhaps the most fun way to serve a new mom. Cassie Gadd had a colicky baby who wanted to be held all the time, so she couldn’t get anything done. A friend came over one day and held her baby for three hours while Cassie cleaned the house.

Anoter common experience that we can usually relate to is when someone moves in or out of your neighborhood.

When Kara Farnsworth moved, friends watched her kids, picked them up from preschool, brought dinner, invited her family to dinner (no mess!), gave rides to and from school, offered a place to stay during showings, brought road trip gifts and treats, and sent cards, letters, and texts. Her son’s teacher and his whole class even Facetimed with her son to see how his move went and tell him they missed him. “It hasn’t mattered how big or small the expressions of love and concern have been, but just feeling that support that comes from knowing we have people is what has carried the most,” Kara says. 

People need help on the other end of the move as well. Here are some ideas:

• Bring simple food. Kelli Archibald brings pizza to neighbors when she sees the moving truck. It’s a great way to break the ice, and does not require that they find their dishes. In the same vein, Sarah Engebretson likes to bring muffins for an easy, hand-held breakfast.

• Provide basic supplies. Heading to the store to buy the basics is often overlooked in the details of a move. Kara Waddleworth brings new neighbors a welcome gift of toilet paper, paper towels, and other supplies. Liz brings paper plates, napkins, utensils and cups so they don’t have to figure out dishes.

• Introduce them to other neighbors. My own neighbor, Van Oberly, made our new neighbors a chart of the cul-de-sac with everyone’s first and last names and which house they live in, pets included.

Creating a Service Culture

The last thing I want to talk about this week is how to teach our kids to serve and to create a service culture in our home.

Probably the best way to teach our kids to serve is to make sure they see us serving. It’s not bragging to talk to our kids about what we do for other people—it helps them see service as a way of life.

And of course we can involve our kids in the service, too. When Julie makes a meal or treat for someone, she recruits her kids to help. She often lets them choose who to bring them to, and then they all load into the car and deliver them together. They love doing this.

Believe it or not, you’re not the only one who can serve within your own family. I’ve talked extensively in past episodes about kids and chores, to get them helping around the house, which is definitely a form of service as well as a way to teach responsibility. But you can also teach kids to serve each other.

Lisa Hoelzer tries to make service fun for her kids by having them do secret service for each other. If one child hasn’t done one of their chores, she’ll ask another child if they want to do secret service and do that chore for the other one. They make it sneaky and fun.

Danielle Banner has a star for secret service. One kid has the star, does something for another and leaves the star. Then that kid is supposed to do secret service and then leave the star.

When we make service part of our family culture, the big payoff is when our kids initiate their own service.

Juliana’s daughter asked if she could bake cookies for a friend who was having a bad day. It wasn’t convenient that day, but Juliana let her because she was so proud that she had noticed and was taking action.

Angela Halliday’s son Ben was repeatedly in the hole with his lunch account. When Angela approached him about it, she found out that he had been buying lunch for a friend who came to school without one each day.

As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “The need to be needed is much stronger in most of us than we are aware. We hear a great deal about the need for self-expression but, by and large, it rarely brings the same returns in basic satisfaction that come with going beyond the self to meet another person’s need.”

Teaching our kids to look outside themselves to perceive and fulfill the need of others will not only make the world a better place, but it will help them live happier, more fulfilled lives.